So I Wanna Be a Writer

Why write?

Since Hs I’ve been fascinated with writing. I wrote essays well throughout highschool and in to college.

I got my degree in Scriptwriting in my undergrad studies. Once I graduated I abandoned the thoughts to pursue the career choice and now? Now it’s been 5 years since graduation and I want to write again.

I’ve experienced too much not to write my story or at least bestow messages of faith and wisdom unto others.

Recently
For the past few months I’ve been at it again. I have put a lot of writing mental power into my own personal writing, journals, diary, blogs about myself… And that’s all and well, but I still have an itch for the hope of the green 💵💵💵.

I wrote a short comic last month and wrote a few exercises. I plan to post my exercises online.

Thanks for reading.

Squintyclops at Large

My Summer Actually Looks Busy

So I graduated Saturday. An amazing day. The siblings all came back. Stayed up ’til four in the morn’ chattin away in the yard to a fire pit.  So many friends congratulated me. I feel proud.

Too bad I still have yet to do my senior project.

But I’m gonna look at it this way.  It’s my profession for the summer. This is the kind of stuff I ‘ll be doing should I follow this industry anyway.  My first order of business is to figure out what I’ll be writing exactly. I’ve been putting it off for quite some time.  And I’ll progress from there.

Anyways I was making the week’s schedule.  Looks like every hour counts.  I’m surprisingly busy.  There’s church activities. Work at the Lenscrafters. There’s Doctor’s appointments.  Scripture Study hours and of course tons of hours for my new profession, Writing.

There’s a reason for it of course. I’ve got a deadline.  I plan a page an hour and I’m giving myself 2 months to finish scripts to 4 books.

So that’s gonna be fun.

Scripture study too is gonna be  a new activity for me.  I plan on reading the BofM cover to cover.  We’ll see how that goes.  All of it is of course prep for missionary work come fall.

OH! Something thing fun. I’ll be going to Vietnam in the fall w/ Dad and possibly my aunt and cuz.  Cool no?

Well that’s what’s going on in the next chapter of life.  Rock on.

OH and to end with some gratitude. I’m grateful for MOM and my abilities to get me this far. Thanks.

Anxiety Accessment

I have homework anxiety. There I said it.

It’s to write a good length script. On my own.

Ridiculous right.  I think:

a scriptwriting degree is worthless

entertainment biz is risky biz

it’s a waste of time

i hate writing

i am a mathematician

i chose this when i was half psychotic

it’s a burden

i can so do something else

i work poorly independantly

it feels impossible to finish this far down the semester

Why frustrated? Why not just quit?

it’s my final semester

16 credits to go

expectations of friends and family

expectations of society

a diploma can get me far

why waste over four years of progress

a diploma opens up many options careerwise

a diploma gets you places

a diploma is evidence of competence

i know a lot about writing

it’s still very possible to finish that script

nobody supports me in quitting.

I get the worst anxiety with getting this done.  Its roots appear to be from perfectionism.  I know I am capable of a great script, but a writing a great script is a great task, very intimidating. The thing is I need to realize the big picture. At this point a diploma is way more important than writing that perfect script.

I try to do homework tonight.  It’s hard. I want to quit. I dance around it, making excuses to procrastinate, finding other things to do.  But I found that Manifesto-last post. It reminded me of who I was before these anxiety spells.  Anxiety is too ridiculous to defend.  I can get this done.

I got some work done.  About an hours worth.  I am proud.  Taking baby steps is better than no steps.

Oh how the clock ticks

Just looked at the calendar.  So many things to do. Can I do them in time?  I am suppose to have a good script for a comic book in two weeks. I have a presentation Tuesday night.  I have a test friday-which i probably cannot make.  I have a job I missed a whole weekend of work. Why?

I am being treated for a mental illness.  It’s torture.  I am racked with emotions of confusion and frustration, irritability.  I really didn’t want to make a post in this state, but i really should. I need to let these feelings out somewhere.  Problem is I actually have some followers.  I don’t want you guys knowing I feel this way. but lo, here i am.

It feels as though no one can help.  I really don’t know what others can do for me.  I am on a strong medicinal regiment. I have been sleeping just fine.  Other than my appetite my physical signs look well. I guess i could use some exercise- haven’t been fit for some time.  My feelings have improved, from sad to withdrawn. My thinking have improved from bullying myself to being numb. Spiritually I have been shaky. Not really praying at all. Not studying independently at all. Somehow though thanks to good friends I do attend as many church activities as I can.  Which keeps me hanging in there.

So i am gonna press on.  I must do my part and get better. I gotta get things done.