OH NOSE! I’ve been pretty negative. I must be humble.

I’ve learned some good things.  Happiness begets happiness and depression begets depression.  It’s time I apply this to my life.

It was just last night that I realized that I am passionately negative.  It’s all I think about.  That’s awful.  What I need to be doing is being hopeful, optimistic and the like.

I have been having really selfish thoughts:

i feel like i am suppose to be selfish. to come to church for me, not others

i feel like i am suppose to put myself before others

i feel like i deserve more than i am

Where do these thoughts come from? How do i rid of them They don’t make me feel happy.

“sing, read scriptures, pray” says a friend of mine.  Good suggestions.  I haven’t been praying much lately.

The pray count has been dwindling.  My relationship with Him isn’t as strong.

But it’s time to change.

Here’s what I sent to my professor about the absence of progress in school.

Squintyclops February 17 at 10:45am

“Honestly, I have nothing to show for this last month. I have been dealing with life, not that my life is bad right now. It’s just that I am not dealing with my life or my problems. I didn’t really understand the situation I was in until just this week.

Part of it is that I don’t have any concrete life goals for the near future. I don’t have plans. I am not working towards anything. Part of it is that I don’t see the value of a diploma. But I know getting one is good. And you can probably figure out what I haven’t been doing based on these thoughts.

It’s good to see and realize that I have a problem. My actions aren’t leading anywhere.

It’s time to own this. I haven’t been doing homework and that will lead to no diploma. I will say that I will put great effort in getting back on track. This is where I am and where I need to be is turning pages in each week and have at least a book’s worth complete. Yet I do not.

It’s time to solve this problem and I humbly say that I need your help. I am not an independent worker. I need someone breathing down my back at all times. I need a sense of urgency. I propose we see each other twice a week, and have emails in between. Also I need to adjust my schedule so that I can catch up at a reasonable pace.

And so I am making the first steps in solving this problem by contacting you.

I am in this.”

So that should help.  As for spirituality.  I don’t know how I can be much better.  I’ve been better than I have been for sure.  Less the praying part.  Yet I feel down.- Forget that!

So the problem is I am spiritually down.  I don’t pray and I don’t read scriptures.  Therefore I lose perspective in life.  Hence I need to pray and read scriptures.

I will pray in the morning, and before bed. I will change my phone background to ‘Pray’ and every time I see it I will find time to pray.  As for scriptures.- oh that’s a beast! any suggestions?

This will be my first steps to changing for the better.  And I will be humble.  Can you help?

Relieving This off my Chest

I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.

I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.

”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority.  I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”

-Me, Feb 2009

In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement.  It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger.  How have I changed?

Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting  baptized into the LDS church over the summer.  But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.

Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident.  I actually chase after girls. Had  a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church.  I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great.  I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?

Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts.  But yet I feel down.  I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene.  My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.

Is that a concern? I don’t know.  These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same.  A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms.  Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.

But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far.  I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.

And this is my attempt to change that.

Think future.

I want:

a family of many,

in which their roots sprout from me,

myself, a great man,

remembered the happiness he shares with others,

a wife,

who is more than a friend,

watching for my needs,

a standup solution to worldly woes.

Is that too much to ask?

Next come the objectives.

How to be a provident provider?

How to be a great man?

How to find an amazing wife?

How to relieve myself of worldly woes?

These are the questions.