So I Wanna Be a Writer

Why write?

Since Hs I’ve been fascinated with writing. I wrote essays well throughout highschool and in to college.

I got my degree in Scriptwriting in my undergrad studies. Once I graduated I abandoned the thoughts to pursue the career choice and now? Now it’s been 5 years since graduation and I want to write again.

I’ve experienced too much not to write my story or at least bestow messages of faith and wisdom unto others.

Recently
For the past few months I’ve been at it again. I have put a lot of writing mental power into my own personal writing, journals, diary, blogs about myself… And that’s all and well, but I still have an itch for the hope of the green 💵💵💵.

I wrote a short comic last month and wrote a few exercises. I plan to post my exercises online.

Thanks for reading.

Squintyclops at Large

My Summer Actually Looks Busy

So I graduated Saturday. An amazing day. The siblings all came back. Stayed up ’til four in the morn’ chattin away in the yard to a fire pit.  So many friends congratulated me. I feel proud.

Too bad I still have yet to do my senior project.

But I’m gonna look at it this way.  It’s my profession for the summer. This is the kind of stuff I ‘ll be doing should I follow this industry anyway.  My first order of business is to figure out what I’ll be writing exactly. I’ve been putting it off for quite some time.  And I’ll progress from there.

Anyways I was making the week’s schedule.  Looks like every hour counts.  I’m surprisingly busy.  There’s church activities. Work at the Lenscrafters. There’s Doctor’s appointments.  Scripture Study hours and of course tons of hours for my new profession, Writing.

There’s a reason for it of course. I’ve got a deadline.  I plan a page an hour and I’m giving myself 2 months to finish scripts to 4 books.

So that’s gonna be fun.

Scripture study too is gonna be  a new activity for me.  I plan on reading the BofM cover to cover.  We’ll see how that goes.  All of it is of course prep for missionary work come fall.

OH! Something thing fun. I’ll be going to Vietnam in the fall w/ Dad and possibly my aunt and cuz.  Cool no?

Well that’s what’s going on in the next chapter of life.  Rock on.

OH and to end with some gratitude. I’m grateful for MOM and my abilities to get me this far. Thanks.

Am I a fool? Or a blind stallion?

God exists. He answers prayers.  I have been praying about whether people cared about me or not.  And just yesterday, friends have called out of the blue. I was invited to events. Even today I received a letter from a good friend remembering me.  So that’s good. Something else I’ve been praying about is girls.  And today I was leaving a social event and 5 girls caught me before I left. It felt like they were lining up.  So that’s good.

What’s terrible is that I can’t figure out why I sulk and carry poor posture.  I still carry something.  Last night I discovered I hide my feelings from my family. I feel responsible for causing a lot of stress in their lives, but I shouldn’t.  It really isn’t my fault.  I need to let that go.  I need to be more open.  It’s just that I feel that no one needs to hear my woes.  That sharing depression is like being a downer.  And I don’t want to be a downer.  Help me justify venting. Help me justify sharing my pains. I need to know.

Today I got to work.  It distracted me from the world.  I was focused on helping others.  And I did well there.  I can still function well, despite my thoughts.  So that’s good.  It’s just that no one can tell that I have problems and therefore cannot help. You can’t solve a problem when you don’t know there is a problem.

So thanks for listening and for all my friends thank you.  I love having friends.  I love it.

OH NOSE! I’ve been pretty negative. I must be humble.

I’ve learned some good things.  Happiness begets happiness and depression begets depression.  It’s time I apply this to my life.

It was just last night that I realized that I am passionately negative.  It’s all I think about.  That’s awful.  What I need to be doing is being hopeful, optimistic and the like.

I have been having really selfish thoughts:

i feel like i am suppose to be selfish. to come to church for me, not others

i feel like i am suppose to put myself before others

i feel like i deserve more than i am

Where do these thoughts come from? How do i rid of them They don’t make me feel happy.

“sing, read scriptures, pray” says a friend of mine.  Good suggestions.  I haven’t been praying much lately.

The pray count has been dwindling.  My relationship with Him isn’t as strong.

But it’s time to change.

Here’s what I sent to my professor about the absence of progress in school.

Squintyclops February 17 at 10:45am

“Honestly, I have nothing to show for this last month. I have been dealing with life, not that my life is bad right now. It’s just that I am not dealing with my life or my problems. I didn’t really understand the situation I was in until just this week.

Part of it is that I don’t have any concrete life goals for the near future. I don’t have plans. I am not working towards anything. Part of it is that I don’t see the value of a diploma. But I know getting one is good. And you can probably figure out what I haven’t been doing based on these thoughts.

It’s good to see and realize that I have a problem. My actions aren’t leading anywhere.

It’s time to own this. I haven’t been doing homework and that will lead to no diploma. I will say that I will put great effort in getting back on track. This is where I am and where I need to be is turning pages in each week and have at least a book’s worth complete. Yet I do not.

It’s time to solve this problem and I humbly say that I need your help. I am not an independent worker. I need someone breathing down my back at all times. I need a sense of urgency. I propose we see each other twice a week, and have emails in between. Also I need to adjust my schedule so that I can catch up at a reasonable pace.

And so I am making the first steps in solving this problem by contacting you.

I am in this.”

So that should help.  As for spirituality.  I don’t know how I can be much better.  I’ve been better than I have been for sure.  Less the praying part.  Yet I feel down.- Forget that!

So the problem is I am spiritually down.  I don’t pray and I don’t read scriptures.  Therefore I lose perspective in life.  Hence I need to pray and read scriptures.

I will pray in the morning, and before bed. I will change my phone background to ‘Pray’ and every time I see it I will find time to pray.  As for scriptures.- oh that’s a beast! any suggestions?

This will be my first steps to changing for the better.  And I will be humble.  Can you help?

Relieving This off my Chest

I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.

I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.

”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority.  I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”

-Me, Feb 2009

In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement.  It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger.  How have I changed?

Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting  baptized into the LDS church over the summer.  But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.

Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident.  I actually chase after girls. Had  a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church.  I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great.  I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?

Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts.  But yet I feel down.  I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene.  My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.

Is that a concern? I don’t know.  These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same.  A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms.  Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.

But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far.  I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.

And this is my attempt to change that.

Think future.

I want:

a family of many,

in which their roots sprout from me,

myself, a great man,

remembered the happiness he shares with others,

a wife,

who is more than a friend,

watching for my needs,

a standup solution to worldly woes.

Is that too much to ask?

Next come the objectives.

How to be a provident provider?

How to be a great man?

How to find an amazing wife?

How to relieve myself of worldly woes?

These are the questions.