Thinking ’bout People

Relationships come and go, right? I mean with friends or ‘friends.’ or ‘friends’ wink wink nudge nudge. lol

I’ve got all types of friends.  There was this guy from church whom I haven’t seen of or heard of in ’bout a year who all of a sudden showed up.  I was ecstatic. That was last week. And honestly we weren’t even close. I mean we shared moments here and there, but we never hung out.

Then last night a good friend returned from school. I again was ecstatic. –I was so loud–. But anyway things feel like normal in that friendship again too.

But do all friendships always bounce right back up like these two? I dunno.  Friendships end for all kinds of reasons: bitterness, distance, business (as in too busy haha) , awkwardness and whatever else. I’d say the two I’ve spoken of are the distance and business ‘breakups.’ But then I can easily think of an awesome friend who got busy but then things are now awkward.

You know what? I believe we are in charge of how awkward something gets.  Cuz… I am thinkin’…. things get awkward when I don’t do something as in I should have done something as a friend but didn’t or in fact did something way off.  Consider this.

The awesome friend. Things were cool even though we weren’t hanging out as regularly as we used to for some time. Til we started looking for one another. We’d both be busy.  There are times I know I have ignored texts ( not intentionally– but as I always say “it didn’t have to be on purpose; it hurts anyway” so…) and never called back.  See that’s when things get awkward.

Then there’s bitterness when I simply found  the guy not fun/ annoying/ things are ungroovy for no particular reason.  And i started ignoring him on purpose.  Sad right.  And it gets awkward when he and i realizes this.  makes me feel a little bad.

Then there are good friends of days past.  We are still on a good note. Just texted one of the crew today. Got a warm response too. But the problem is that I have changed so much.  I doubt I would enjoy their company anymore.  I mean. I’ve made lifestyle changes.  boo.

Speaking of notes.  Friendships I believe can take on this meaning.  Substantial communication between two persons that ended on a positive.  Haha. So what i am saying is that friends are a history of communication in which you are dubbed friends when the last things communicated between the two are positive.

Ha! When i was down, i said ‘friendships are two that use one another in bearable ways.  Total flip.  Wow.

I was thinking today- thanks to a friend– ( That’s Right!) … that people perceive.  I have forgotten that lately.  And it got me thinking and now I am thinking about girls and well ya know relationships…

I usually wear a tie, dress shirt and pants to institute thursday nights.  And I’ve been driving a brand new car.  Well tonight a I changed mid way through the night. There were comments- ‘ oh you’re not… I thought you were.. ya know new car, nice cloths…)’ That wasn’t the only one along those lines.  Funny how material things can morph the way people perceive you. I do like dressing sharp, but at the same time I didn’t want people thinking i did it normally. I do wear casual cloths.  I DIDN”T USED TO CARE!

And now that I’m thinking about how people think of me I wonder who likes me or not, about anybody- friends especially. Why am I testing the friendships we have? Shoot, the general way of things is that if you go out and it doesnt work out the friend thing never works.  That’s why I am hating these thoughts. But where would love come if these thoughts weren’t thought?

Well I’ve got to think these things through or make the decision to just forget about it….cuz it’s frustrating.

I wanna say I am grateful for all the friendships i’ve had in my life. Yes ALL. They’ve shaped me into who i am today. a person who i am grateful to be.  I am grateful for all in this world. latersz.


Relieving This off my Chest

I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.

I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.

”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority.  I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”

-Me, Feb 2009

In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement.  It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger.  How have I changed?

Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting  baptized into the LDS church over the summer.  But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.

Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident.  I actually chase after girls. Had  a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church.  I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great.  I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?

Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts.  But yet I feel down.  I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene.  My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.

Is that a concern? I don’t know.  These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same.  A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms.  Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.

But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far.  I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.

And this is my attempt to change that.

Think future.

I want:

a family of many,

in which their roots sprout from me,

myself, a great man,

remembered the happiness he shares with others,

a wife,

who is more than a friend,

watching for my needs,

a standup solution to worldly woes.

Is that too much to ask?

Next come the objectives.

How to be a provident provider?

How to be a great man?

How to find an amazing wife?

How to relieve myself of worldly woes?

These are the questions.