Just a Spiritual Thought: Highschool Pride

It’s true for a blog I’ve been following and true for me. We ride our pride from HS into college and burnout post graduate.

Where did all of my gusto go? Where did the fighting spirit go?

I love visiting with return missionaries. Especially if we are playing sports. One I play regularly is volleyball. Every RM or even soon to be missionary I’ve met is super competitive. And I luv it.

I miss the days when I was young. The thing is that I never was really competitive in sports. Or in general. I was the guy who never kept score. Well. About the only thing I was competitive at was academics. I am still super proud of my rank and am tempted to boast it here. But that’s not my point. That is the HS pride I was talking about.

HS pride. The feeling that you can take on the world. The feeling of being unstoppable. That you are worth beyond measure.

Are you?

I argue we are and we are not. How so? In the eyes of the Lord we are of great worth, yet we are no more that the that of the dust.

I wonder if I can have that HS pride in the Lord’s eyes. Maybe I already do. It’s not a competition.

I had to pause. It’s not a competition. We are all on our own missions to return to Heavenly Father. We can help one another. There’s no need to judge or be hostile. With the right time and right place the rightt things can be done.

I used to be so angry for not being someone big. In the world.

My illness has got the best of me. But I fail to recognize the finer things in life. I still crave the life of a successful man. Whatever that is.

This dream no longer gives me hope. I feel incapable. It’s a dream not worth seeking. No more of that huh?

So much more to say! But that’s enough for this thought.

We are worth so much. We have to realize this. Let the lord lift us up! Our pride can only get us so far!!

Squintyclops at Large

I’m So Unworthy…lol

My birthday passed not too long ago. And it’s not surprising to see how many people came out to the party, or the number of cards I received, the hugs I got, the birthday wishes. I’m a good guy. People luv me I suppose. It’s just that there are times when I feel like I don’t ….. deserve it.

Sometimes the party thing feels like it’s just to see how many people I can get out haha. And i wait til the end of the day to see the fb wishes. I feel like i need to know if people care.  Do i live life just to get a high score on my birthday? lamesauce.

Problem is.. even with all this. i still feel very lonely.  it’s true.  i don’t know if i have a best bud.  And i know. there are tons of people who care about me and would like to hang out with me. I get plenty of invites and such to go out.  But i have hermit tendencies. Sometimes i would avoid socializing or even ignore invites.

So I would like to have a best bud. One who lives nearby. one who’s place i can crash when i need it most. Someone to talk to bout anything. But as I said before my actions don’t show it.  What’s happening is that I am picky about who I am friends with. Is that bad? I mean it’s ok to a point. But when it feels like there are plenty of people wanting to be my friend and i just think they are too weird or old or young or this or that. It gets a little strange. i don’t want to type it but i will, i hate me for this.

there are people who want to make friends and i feel lonely yet i don’t want to become friends because of who they are. i just don’t think that’s right.  If people can think i am awesome why can’t i think of others awesome?

this is what lead me to my testimony on sunday.  when i get myself down i’d usually think of what blessings i have. and i do have a lot.  so much luv. i want to be able to show it back. is it pride? or is it compassion? or friendship? i’ve got to choose.