I’m So Unworthy…lol

My birthday passed not too long ago. And it’s not surprising to see how many people came out to the party, or the number of cards I received, the hugs I got, the birthday wishes. I’m a good guy. People luv me I suppose. It’s just that there are times when I feel like I don’t ….. deserve it.

Sometimes the party thing feels like it’s just to see how many people I can get out haha. And i wait til the end of the day to see the fb wishes. I feel like i need to know if people care.  Do i live life just to get a high score on my birthday? lamesauce.

Problem is.. even with all this. i still feel very lonely.  it’s true.  i don’t know if i have a best bud.  And i know. there are tons of people who care about me and would like to hang out with me. I get plenty of invites and such to go out.  But i have hermit tendencies. Sometimes i would avoid socializing or even ignore invites.

So I would like to have a best bud. One who lives nearby. one who’s place i can crash when i need it most. Someone to talk to bout anything. But as I said before my actions don’t show it.  What’s happening is that I am picky about who I am friends with. Is that bad? I mean it’s ok to a point. But when it feels like there are plenty of people wanting to be my friend and i just think they are too weird or old or young or this or that. It gets a little strange. i don’t want to type it but i will, i hate me for this.

there are people who want to make friends and i feel lonely yet i don’t want to become friends because of who they are. i just don’t think that’s right.  If people can think i am awesome why can’t i think of others awesome?

this is what lead me to my testimony on sunday.  when i get myself down i’d usually think of what blessings i have. and i do have a lot.  so much luv. i want to be able to show it back. is it pride? or is it compassion? or friendship? i’ve got to choose.

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Am I a fool? Or a blind stallion?

God exists. He answers prayers.  I have been praying about whether people cared about me or not.  And just yesterday, friends have called out of the blue. I was invited to events. Even today I received a letter from a good friend remembering me.  So that’s good. Something else I’ve been praying about is girls.  And today I was leaving a social event and 5 girls caught me before I left. It felt like they were lining up.  So that’s good.

What’s terrible is that I can’t figure out why I sulk and carry poor posture.  I still carry something.  Last night I discovered I hide my feelings from my family. I feel responsible for causing a lot of stress in their lives, but I shouldn’t.  It really isn’t my fault.  I need to let that go.  I need to be more open.  It’s just that I feel that no one needs to hear my woes.  That sharing depression is like being a downer.  And I don’t want to be a downer.  Help me justify venting. Help me justify sharing my pains. I need to know.

Today I got to work.  It distracted me from the world.  I was focused on helping others.  And I did well there.  I can still function well, despite my thoughts.  So that’s good.  It’s just that no one can tell that I have problems and therefore cannot help. You can’t solve a problem when you don’t know there is a problem.

So thanks for listening and for all my friends thank you.  I love having friends.  I love it.