Just a Spiritual Thought: Highschool Pride

It’s true for a blog I’ve been following and true for me. We ride our pride from HS into college and burnout post graduate.

Where did all of my gusto go? Where did the fighting spirit go?

I love visiting with return missionaries. Especially if we are playing sports. One I play regularly is volleyball. Every RM or even soon to be missionary I’ve met is super competitive. And I luv it.

I miss the days when I was young. The thing is that I never was really competitive in sports. Or in general. I was the guy who never kept score. Well. About the only thing I was competitive at was academics. I am still super proud of my rank and am tempted to boast it here. But that’s not my point. That is the HS pride I was talking about.

HS pride. The feeling that you can take on the world. The feeling of being unstoppable. That you are worth beyond measure.

Are you?

I argue we are and we are not. How so? In the eyes of the Lord we are of great worth, yet we are no more that the that of the dust.

I wonder if I can have that HS pride in the Lord’s eyes. Maybe I already do. It’s not a competition.

I had to pause. It’s not a competition. We are all on our own missions to return to Heavenly Father. We can help one another. There’s no need to judge or be hostile. With the right time and right place the rightt things can be done.

I used to be so angry for not being someone big. In the world.

My illness has got the best of me. But I fail to recognize the finer things in life. I still crave the life of a successful man. Whatever that is.

This dream no longer gives me hope. I feel incapable. It’s a dream not worth seeking. No more of that huh?

So much more to say! But that’s enough for this thought.

We are worth so much. We have to realize this. Let the lord lift us up! Our pride can only get us so far!!

Squintyclops at Large

Monday Madness: A Day with Pops

Were all my Mondays as tiring as this?

I am so tired, having run around all day with dad. Our main objective was to finish wedding invites. Which didn’t happen. But we ran into family and an old friend on the way.

In the end… I really want to see my family on the other side.

Wow. Totally different topic. Idk. Lemme tell u. My dad and his generation are at retirement age. They’ve seen so much. They’ve done so much.

I’ve seen various acts they’ve done for one another and for me. It’s a beautiful thing!

I just know we’ll be all together after all of this. Like neighbors. Bickering as always!

That’s what I believe. God will put us all where we can be together in the end, no matter who you are or what you’ve done. That’s my testimony to you.

Nite folks!

Squintyclops at Large

Monday Madness: Living the Gospel

This past week has been great. A few stories to share and a bit about structure

Story 1
My first story goes along the lines of compassion. I was at a busy retail area for my city. A place where tourists may come oft. My actions that night were limited to fallen plans and a wish to go home. On the way i ran into a woman who was clearly in distress.

She didn’t need help really. She just needed to be calmed down. I learned so much about her. About her kids and things of herself. She just got a job and moved in to town just 9 days in. She moved into a good part of town. It’s an exciting time in her life. Her car broke down and she had to turn to the local police to help her.

Anyway the visit was well we exchanged contact info and she made me promise not to leave her, to keep contact with her.

Huh.

Story 2
The next story occurs a weekend before. A depressing weekend at Walmart. For me and the general population. It was busy and the cashier lines were long. I had to sit on a bench to wait for my family to check out. There I sat next to a girl, probably a local college student who just looked so so depressed.

I wanted to help her but couldn’t overcome my small fears and walls. I had plenty opportunity too. But in the end I was more focused on her and my depressive funk was lifted.

Cool.

Story 3
My last story has to do with me and me only. It happened today. I went to do some home teaching for my church. Home teaching is a network that my church practices where every family is assigned two priesthood individuals who come visit to keep a close eye of love for the families.

And so I went a little on the outskirts of town. I don’t carry a phone and I didn’t know the area. I got lost. A small one lane gravel road. Poorly shoveled.

I got stuck. And I tried to back out. I ended up in the grass.  I was way stuck. No people for half a mile or so. No money. No phone. I was running late for my teaching.

Yet I was not afraid , I was determined I could get out alone, that everything would work out.

The common trick for my problem was to use rocks to get traction under my wheels. I thought maybe if I pushed my car from its spot it might be enough to drive again.

That proved to not work.

I thought and I thought.

There was plenty of tall dried dead grass around me. I started picking them and thought maybe I could get the traction I needed. And so I gathered some long grass, stuffed it under the wheel, and nudged the car a little, to get it into position.

And i t worked. I got back onto the gravel and safely got to my destination with help of some locals.

Structure
I have found that I am the kind of guy who reads ten books at once. I just can’t stay and finish any book.

My problem I identified is that I don’t read my scriptures as often as encouraged and I have zero structure  in my life right now.

So in the past I read, well tried to read, a chapter from the scriptures a night.

Never worked.

Well I noticed that the scriptures are actually a ton of books!!! Haha! And so I started to read it consistently, although not the same book everyday.

It’s working. And per my entry the blessings can be seen.

I’m out!

Squintyclops at Large

Monday Madness: Breaking Outside of my Social Bubble

So after much self reflection I feel it that I have no friends outside church… I do have one. A good one at that. But none other. And so last week I embarked to work on that.

I’ve been making strides at this. It’s just been a week and I’ve made a few friends whom I see a future in and a new side of my personality that is worth recognizing.

As a LDS member I am super sober, no drinking or anything. Yet as I go out into the world I am finding myself to be the ‘coolest sober’ people have seen.

As I look back I’ve noticed that I make a very good impression on others. Enough to have others go out of their way to hear my story and share theirs, or pour out their souls to me.

I wanna close early for it’s late. But it’s nice to know that I can be a big deal…. Or something.

Squintyclops at Large

Monday Madness: Luv and the Temple

Valentine’s Day had always been a big occasion in my adult years– flowers, big bears, chocolate strawberries, kisses, sum good luvin and some bad.  This year? This year I am looking forward.

There is no now. Nor is there a ‘shoulda coulda.’ Nor is there a ‘pls pls say yes.’ This year?

This year I project forward. Tonight we had an activity at my church. Vday themed. And we had a mini date event. It was super fun.

I know a lot of people at my church. My congregation is only single adults. 18-30.  That’s it. So I kinda feel like I’ve been around the block and kicking junior/ senior year as I am 28.

Idk. It’s time to be serious about dating.

Tonight after the activity I swung by our temple. Walked the courtyard. Ha! And now I am listening to oldies luv music! “👅 I want… A girl… To call… My own…📣🎤🎼🎶 Oldies. Gotta luv em. Anywayz. I kneeled. I prayed. I cleaned a bit. I wanted Heavenly Father to know I want to be with Him. I grabbed some road salt as a memento.

This year. I plan to get engaged.

Nighty nite.

Squintyclops at Large

This week? mumble mumble mumble

Miley Cyrus “Adore You”

I’ve been put into a rage this afternoon. Losing game after game doesn’t really help. And playing low level players, losing, didn’t help.  I will blame it on my confidence. I was trying out my fightstick for the first time online in years. It was dusty. I think I lost every game today.  I tend to do that a lot- get my butt kicked online after a pretty miserable day which only calls for an even more miserable day.

Today was a little different, I asked my family to leave me alone. I was in my room for not 5 mins and I came out and put on Miley Cyrus’s Adore you on my surround sound system- it’s beautiful. “I adore you.” The lyrics are so beautiful. I’m a lover, a romantic. Somewhere out there I know my lady is waiting to tell me this, someday. Whether be it far into the future i dont know.

I really don’t know why I’ve been miserable. People at work i kno have been noticing. I’m new so they don’t say much. Things just feel off. I don’t feel confident. I feel so confused. Things don’t make sense. A lot of it comes from church. Things don’t add up. Yet whenever I hear someone tell me very spiritual i kno it’s true. Something inside me tells me to hang in there longer. Something tells me not to quit.

Today i really didn’t want to go in to church. But I had a duty to get the programs printed so i went. I also wanted to bug out early, but i had a duty to personally teach someone afterwards. and so that all happened.  It was great that i stayed tho. I was able to hear some very inspiring words. some words i needed to hear. I kno i was suppose to be at church today, i was able to take things i learned in sunday school to the lesson after church. during sacrament, i really wanted to just sit in the foyer, but i fought it and stayed. i heard a very touching musical number by a very tender soul. and I heard wise words from church authority. I kno that the church is true. I kno i am in the right place and am doing the right thing.

general conference is coming up in a month and i want to prepare for it. i want to fast next sunday. i need to get level headed. i want close friends. it’s funny to say, but i really don’t have a ‘go to’ to spill all this to. I can save that thought for another post.

My parents are too for another day.

I just want to feel better. I started playing my love music playlist in which i progressively add to. and miley kicked it off. i am feeling better already.

The Strangest of Issues, How appropriate for the Holiday

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I usually have a lot of fun with this. The normal pattern of behavior follows one of two: to be lone wolf and flirt with any girl or choose one and go all out. Either way I go all out and have tons o fun.  This year… it’s the weekend before and I’ve yet to identify my plan. why is that?

Well there are girls on my mind which makes me shy away from option one. And it’s plural this year, so I shy away from option two. I feel so lame at this exact moment because I struggle. I don’t know what to do.  Such a silly hesitation right?

I am not “going steady” with anyone. I am not dating anyone. Yet, for whatever reason I feel like this choice is a huge commitment. I was told by someone wise to go for ’em all until that commitment is made. And so,… yea. I am a lame lame lame lame lame duck. How fowl!

I hope I’ll find myself a Valentine and I hope that I don’t shoot myself in the foot and burn any bridges. I hope that things will smooth over. Why didn’t I just make a move when I had the chance?

I have lost momentum. I feel. Be strong right? Hmmm.

I’m gonna pray and ponder this topic. I still don’t feel any better.