My Summer Actually Looks Busy

So I graduated Saturday. An amazing day. The siblings all came back. Stayed up ’til four in the morn’ chattin away in the yard to a fire pit.  So many friends congratulated me. I feel proud.

Too bad I still have yet to do my senior project.

But I’m gonna look at it this way.  It’s my profession for the summer. This is the kind of stuff I ‘ll be doing should I follow this industry anyway.  My first order of business is to figure out what I’ll be writing exactly. I’ve been putting it off for quite some time.  And I’ll progress from there.

Anyways I was making the week’s schedule.  Looks like every hour counts.  I’m surprisingly busy.  There’s church activities. Work at the Lenscrafters. There’s Doctor’s appointments.  Scripture Study hours and of course tons of hours for my new profession, Writing.

There’s a reason for it of course. I’ve got a deadline.  I plan a page an hour and I’m giving myself 2 months to finish scripts to 4 books.

So that’s gonna be fun.

Scripture study too is gonna be  a new activity for me.  I plan on reading the BofM cover to cover.  We’ll see how that goes.  All of it is of course prep for missionary work come fall.

OH! Something thing fun. I’ll be going to Vietnam in the fall w/ Dad and possibly my aunt and cuz.  Cool no?

Well that’s what’s going on in the next chapter of life.  Rock on.

OH and to end with some gratitude. I’m grateful for MOM and my abilities to get me this far. Thanks.

Anxiety Accessment

I have homework anxiety. There I said it.

It’s to write a good length script. On my own.

Ridiculous right.  I think:

a scriptwriting degree is worthless

entertainment biz is risky biz

it’s a waste of time

i hate writing

i am a mathematician

i chose this when i was half psychotic

it’s a burden

i can so do something else

i work poorly independantly

it feels impossible to finish this far down the semester

Why frustrated? Why not just quit?

it’s my final semester

16 credits to go

expectations of friends and family

expectations of society

a diploma can get me far

why waste over four years of progress

a diploma opens up many options careerwise

a diploma gets you places

a diploma is evidence of competence

i know a lot about writing

it’s still very possible to finish that script

nobody supports me in quitting.

I get the worst anxiety with getting this done.  Its roots appear to be from perfectionism.  I know I am capable of a great script, but a writing a great script is a great task, very intimidating. The thing is I need to realize the big picture. At this point a diploma is way more important than writing that perfect script.

I try to do homework tonight.  It’s hard. I want to quit. I dance around it, making excuses to procrastinate, finding other things to do.  But I found that Manifesto-last post. It reminded me of who I was before these anxiety spells.  Anxiety is too ridiculous to defend.  I can get this done.

I got some work done.  About an hours worth.  I am proud.  Taking baby steps is better than no steps.

Oh how the clock ticks

Just looked at the calendar.  So many things to do. Can I do them in time?  I am suppose to have a good script for a comic book in two weeks. I have a presentation Tuesday night.  I have a test friday-which i probably cannot make.  I have a job I missed a whole weekend of work. Why?

I am being treated for a mental illness.  It’s torture.  I am racked with emotions of confusion and frustration, irritability.  I really didn’t want to make a post in this state, but i really should. I need to let these feelings out somewhere.  Problem is I actually have some followers.  I don’t want you guys knowing I feel this way. but lo, here i am.

It feels as though no one can help.  I really don’t know what others can do for me.  I am on a strong medicinal regiment. I have been sleeping just fine.  Other than my appetite my physical signs look well. I guess i could use some exercise- haven’t been fit for some time.  My feelings have improved, from sad to withdrawn. My thinking have improved from bullying myself to being numb. Spiritually I have been shaky. Not really praying at all. Not studying independently at all. Somehow though thanks to good friends I do attend as many church activities as I can.  Which keeps me hanging in there.

So i am gonna press on.  I must do my part and get better. I gotta get things done.

Oops, Irrationality took a hold on me

So I was in a funk yesterday. Had a presentation and paper due that night with hours of no preparation.  Sure I had all day to do it.  No work. No morning classes. Should have been a cinch.  But little ol me, Oh me, had issues.

I contacted some close ones for motivation. And sure enough I felt a lot better, Thanks all for the encouragement. But I could not get out of that chair.  Yes that awful chair where I would sit and stare, zone out for 15 minutes, 30, maybe an hour.  At least I am not crying or moping right.  So that’s a plus.

Um I ate, for those of you who were wondering.  And then I took a nap.  Mom came home and got alarmed of my activity.  I just sat there, numb.  She asked me to take my laundry downstairs so that she could do it.  Being a small person she can’t handle large weights.  I refused.  Eventually she dragged my hamper downstairs.  I shielded my eyes, I couldn’t bare to see my Mom doing that.- How awful am I!

Still she invited me for dinner and of course I didn’t come.  I wasn’t sleeping either, just in that funk, that state of emptiness.  Dad came home not long after.

They didn’t bicker as much as usual.  I found an excuse to get out of the house.  A local business had a lucky number drawing in which we received our lucky numbers in the mail.  I went to investigate.

I ended up hours away.

Better and better and better

tired tonight.  played lots of video games. boo. no progress in schoolwork. well not all is lost. I am feeling better. and friends are friends. it’s good.

Sometimes you can’t appreciate friends until you figure out what they see in you. i am so cool. and so are my friends.

I too cried my guts out to my sister.  It twas good. we relieved our stress through a ritual of venting and learning and family time goodness.  People love me. how nice.

Oh and Black Eyed Pea’s Imma Bee is awesome.