So, like many
I have trouble keeping the commandments. I sought blessings that I might be better, and firm.
I needed to read the Book of Mormon. A week ago I had next to no interest in reading the BofM, let alone learn from it. I sought blessings that I might not only have the desire to read the BofM but the awareness that I too can learn oodles.
I have concerns for a close friend. I sought blessings that he might walk the straight and narrow as he once did.
I had concerns for a family friend. I sought blessings that they might be a house of great cheer and laughter.
I was wanting to say bye to a missionary. I sought blessings that we might have memories that last.
I had concerns of where i was spiritually and I sought an answer.
Then I messed up my ankle in racquetball. Went hi speed for the ball, nearly crashing into the wall i did what asians do best instead of slamming into the wall, i leaped. performed a double jump, back somersault, triple sow cow, wall kick. But wo is me for i didn’t stick the landing.
Sharp pain. All’s well in zion i’ll walk it off….. Um wait, how about a water break everybody i think i’m gonna sit down. Maybe takeoff me shoe & sock. HMMM. that’s weird, my foot’s getting larger and larger at an incredible rate.
It’s happened before. Many times. Use the old medicine of the East. Marinade some rice in medicinal ointments. Quick massage and setting of the foot. Apply rice for a period of days. repeat and bam! no worries.
I cannot walk!
Bam! my old pal, he knows things. rescues me to the car. Made to the urgent care with help of ONSTAR. how fun. Wait forever to be seen. do some laps in the waiting room with my new wheels. chair style that is. All in excruciating pain mind you. Wait a minute. those partners we played double with in racquetball- they’re missionairies! Anointing! Hallelujah!
So i leave with an air cast. “you can walk on that” you’ve got a sprained ankle. HOLD UP. I walk with the swagger of a cripple. Thus issued the crutches. Double dipping on the hospital perks.
Xray says….. well nothing at the moment. NO SPECIALIST ON duty today…….
Hmm. let’ s go home.
Dad, poor dad. he bathed me. POOR ME. I had to rely on my dad to bathe me. the humility. what it takes to be humble!
Hmm. bored. let’s read the BofM. 2 Nephi 10-14.
mmk. mmk. uh huh. yea. ponder ponder ponder.
What a moment! What a bliss. I loved it! I was coloring my BofM, like a child on the wall! Never had I learned so much!
New favorite scripture. It reveals what kind of girls a guy should be looking for, how a girl should be….
2 Nephi 13:24
“And it shall come to pass, instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle, a rent; and instead of well set hair, baldness; and instead of a stomacher, a girding of sackcloth; burning instead of beauty.”
Take it in.
Take it in.
Take it in.
Think opposition in all things.
the negatives are blatantly obvious: stink, a rent, baldness, girding of sackcloth, beauty.
SAY WHAT- beauty.
Yes, pay attention to the pattern.
Here’s the meat. The bliss of discovery.
The positives, hard to catch on the first read: sweet smell, a girdle, well set hair, stomacher, and burning- YES BURNING.
sweet smell- nice. girdle= nice figure, well set hair= a great set of hair.
Stomacher and burning?
burning- 2 Nephi 14:4 refers to the burning of the holy ghost like once upon confirmation.
stomacher? food? feast? feasting of the word of God.
BAMF! ( *Nightcrawler’s onomatopoeia for his teleportation)
rejoice! put the women to the test.
Does she have a nice scent?
Does she have a good figure?
Does she have a suave head of hair?
Does she feast upon the Word?
Does she burn with the flame of the Holy Ghost?
I am growing in testimony of the BofM. I know President Monson leads and guides the church as prophet, seer and revelator. Joseph Smith restored the true gospel of Jesus Christ upon the Earth. Jesus sacrificed for our sins in his Atoning sacrifice. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints is the true church. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Just looked at the calendar. So many things to do. Can I do them in time? I am suppose to have a good script for a comic book in two weeks. I have a presentation Tuesday night. I have a test friday-which i probably cannot make. I have a job I missed a whole weekend of work. Why?
I am being treated for a mental illness. It’s torture. I am racked with emotions of confusion and frustration, irritability. I really didn’t want to make a post in this state, but i really should. I need to let these feelings out somewhere. Problem is I actually have some followers. I don’t want you guys knowing I feel this way. but lo, here i am.
It feels as though no one can help. I really don’t know what others can do for me. I am on a strong medicinal regiment. I have been sleeping just fine. Other than my appetite my physical signs look well. I guess i could use some exercise- haven’t been fit for some time. My feelings have improved, from sad to withdrawn. My thinking have improved from bullying myself to being numb. Spiritually I have been shaky. Not really praying at all. Not studying independently at all. Somehow though thanks to good friends I do attend as many church activities as I can. Which keeps me hanging in there.
So i am gonna press on. I must do my part and get better. I gotta get things done.
God exists. He answers prayers. I have been praying about whether people cared about me or not. And just yesterday, friends have called out of the blue. I was invited to events. Even today I received a letter from a good friend remembering me. So that’s good. Something else I’ve been praying about is girls. And today I was leaving a social event and 5 girls caught me before I left. It felt like they were lining up. So that’s good.
What’s terrible is that I can’t figure out why I sulk and carry poor posture. I still carry something. Last night I discovered I hide my feelings from my family. I feel responsible for causing a lot of stress in their lives, but I shouldn’t. It really isn’t my fault. I need to let that go. I need to be more open. It’s just that I feel that no one needs to hear my woes. That sharing depression is like being a downer. And I don’t want to be a downer. Help me justify venting. Help me justify sharing my pains. I need to know.
Today I got to work. It distracted me from the world. I was focused on helping others. And I did well there. I can still function well, despite my thoughts. So that’s good. It’s just that no one can tell that I have problems and therefore cannot help. You can’t solve a problem when you don’t know there is a problem.
So thanks for listening and for all my friends thank you. I love having friends. I love it.
I’ve learned some good things. Happiness begets happiness and depression begets depression. It’s time I apply this to my life.
It was just last night that I realized that I am passionately negative. It’s all I think about. That’s awful. What I need to be doing is being hopeful, optimistic and the like.
I have been having really selfish thoughts:
i feel like i am suppose to be selfish. to come to church for me, not others
i feel like i am suppose to put myself before others
i feel like i deserve more than i am
Where do these thoughts come from? How do i rid of them They don’t make me feel happy.
“sing, read scriptures, pray” says a friend of mine. Good suggestions. I haven’t been praying much lately.
The pray count has been dwindling. My relationship with Him isn’t as strong.
But it’s time to change.
Here’s what I sent to my professor about the absence of progress in school.
Squintyclops February 17 at 10:45am
“Honestly, I have nothing to show for this last month. I have been dealing with life, not that my life is bad right now. It’s just that I am not dealing with my life or my problems. I didn’t really understand the situation I was in until just this week.
Part of it is that I don’t have any concrete life goals for the near future. I don’t have plans. I am not working towards anything. Part of it is that I don’t see the value of a diploma. But I know getting one is good. And you can probably figure out what I haven’t been doing based on these thoughts.
It’s good to see and realize that I have a problem. My actions aren’t leading anywhere.
It’s time to own this. I haven’t been doing homework and that will lead to no diploma. I will say that I will put great effort in getting back on track. This is where I am and where I need to be is turning pages in each week and have at least a book’s worth complete. Yet I do not.
It’s time to solve this problem and I humbly say that I need your help. I am not an independent worker. I need someone breathing down my back at all times. I need a sense of urgency. I propose we see each other twice a week, and have emails in between. Also I need to adjust my schedule so that I can catch up at a reasonable pace.
And so I am making the first steps in solving this problem by contacting you.
I am in this.”
So that should help. As for spirituality. I don’t know how I can be much better. I’ve been better than I have been for sure. Less the praying part. Yet I feel down.- Forget that!
So the problem is I am spiritually down. I don’t pray and I don’t read scriptures. Therefore I lose perspective in life. Hence I need to pray and read scriptures.
I will pray in the morning, and before bed. I will change my phone background to ‘Pray’ and every time I see it I will find time to pray. As for scriptures.- oh that’s a beast! any suggestions?
This will be my first steps to changing for the better. And I will be humble. Can you help?