Valentine’s Day is coming up. I usually have a lot of fun with this. The normal pattern of behavior follows one of two: to be lone wolf and flirt with any girl or choose one and go all out. Either way I go all out and have tons o fun. This year… it’s the weekend before and I’ve yet to identify my plan. why is that?
Well there are girls on my mind which makes me shy away from option one. And it’s plural this year, so I shy away from option two. I feel so lame at this exact moment because I struggle. I don’t know what to do. Such a silly hesitation right?
I am not “going steady” with anyone. I am not dating anyone. Yet, for whatever reason I feel like this choice is a huge commitment. I was told by someone wise to go for ’em all until that commitment is made. And so,… yea. I am a lame lame lame lame lame duck. How fowl!
I hope I’ll find myself a Valentine and I hope that I don’t shoot myself in the foot and burn any bridges. I hope that things will smooth over. Why didn’t I just make a move when I had the chance?
I have lost momentum. I feel. Be strong right? Hmmm.
I’m gonna pray and ponder this topic. I still don’t feel any better.
God exists. He answers prayers. I have been praying about whether people cared about me or not. And just yesterday, friends have called out of the blue. I was invited to events. Even today I received a letter from a good friend remembering me. So that’s good. Something else I’ve been praying about is girls. And today I was leaving a social event and 5 girls caught me before I left. It felt like they were lining up. So that’s good.
What’s terrible is that I can’t figure out why I sulk and carry poor posture. I still carry something. Last night I discovered I hide my feelings from my family. I feel responsible for causing a lot of stress in their lives, but I shouldn’t. It really isn’t my fault. I need to let that go. I need to be more open. It’s just that I feel that no one needs to hear my woes. That sharing depression is like being a downer. And I don’t want to be a downer. Help me justify venting. Help me justify sharing my pains. I need to know.
Today I got to work. It distracted me from the world. I was focused on helping others. And I did well there. I can still function well, despite my thoughts. So that’s good. It’s just that no one can tell that I have problems and therefore cannot help. You can’t solve a problem when you don’t know there is a problem.
So thanks for listening and for all my friends thank you. I love having friends. I love it.