Doing some research

http://wp.me/prAQD-pP

http://wp.me/prAQD-45X

These two blogs share some depression related experiences; the first an account of a husband who’s wife suffers from depression, the second of many who have suffered. They are both accounts of Mormons.

I like the first because it describes how I think people think of me and deal with my behaviors. Which only reinforces them which isn’t terribly good. meh

The second shares many thought patterns I have been going through lately.  One I want to highlight is the thoughts on prayer.  It’s simply way harder to pray when depressed.

Read them if you will. I did.

Oops, Irrationality took a hold on me

So I was in a funk yesterday. Had a presentation and paper due that night with hours of no preparation.  Sure I had all day to do it.  No work. No morning classes. Should have been a cinch.  But little ol me, Oh me, had issues.

I contacted some close ones for motivation. And sure enough I felt a lot better, Thanks all for the encouragement. But I could not get out of that chair.  Yes that awful chair where I would sit and stare, zone out for 15 minutes, 30, maybe an hour.  At least I am not crying or moping right.  So that’s a plus.

Um I ate, for those of you who were wondering.  And then I took a nap.  Mom came home and got alarmed of my activity.  I just sat there, numb.  She asked me to take my laundry downstairs so that she could do it.  Being a small person she can’t handle large weights.  I refused.  Eventually she dragged my hamper downstairs.  I shielded my eyes, I couldn’t bare to see my Mom doing that.- How awful am I!

Still she invited me for dinner and of course I didn’t come.  I wasn’t sleeping either, just in that funk, that state of emptiness.  Dad came home not long after.

They didn’t bicker as much as usual.  I found an excuse to get out of the house.  A local business had a lucky number drawing in which we received our lucky numbers in the mail.  I went to investigate.

I ended up hours away.

First Talk.

So today I gave a talk at church. My first. I asked my family who are non-members to come. And they agreed to go. The talk was highly anticipated for great value.  It went well……… in the end

The day started off good.  Printed the talk out. Practiced twice. Got all fancy.  Feeling good.  Got to church early due to some miscommunication. It is good. Only the fam wasn’t there.  Slight panic, mad checking of phone for txts, missed calls, etc. I was the first to talk.

And so I waited. Sang opening hymn. Opening Prayer. Branch Biz. Another Hymn……Where are they? Oh a txt. I leave the chapel to check. They were on the correct very long road.  And so we made an exchange and directions given. Back to Branch Biz. Sustainings and the such.

Another Hynm goes by. Sacrement…… I get a txt. They’re lost. I was suppose to talk next.  What to do?

i bailed.

I get on the phone. We hashed things out, trying to get them here. Lots of Miscommunication. Both Parties feeling: Frustration. Anger. Doubt.  They were giving up. Wanting to go home…… I begged them to come. I waited out in the rain the whole time for them to see me.  They never passed by. They phone dies. Will they come.  Will they make it home? I pray.

The second talk was already in it’s final moments.  i had to gather myself and the timing was perfect- in reflection.  i heard a great story in these final moments of the talk. It gave me strength to gather myself. From all the frustration. worry. disappointment. It was time to Talk.

I excuse myself right away. Explained the situation in brief. And dove right into the talk.  It went great. But where are they?  I wasn’t happy. but a friend comes by. complements the talk. And well. They came.  I was so happy.

Sure they didn’t hear the talk.  But they were able to see the community of the church.  They saw many of my friends.  Haven’t seen my mother smile like that for a long time. It was great.

This was a trial.  Even after a week of distress and moments of despair I was given a great trial. Having me relying on Him so greatly, caused me to bounce back into prayer.  I prayed a lot today.  compared to these last days.  And that makes me feel good.

Better and better and better

tired tonight.  played lots of video games. boo. no progress in schoolwork. well not all is lost. I am feeling better. and friends are friends. it’s good.

Sometimes you can’t appreciate friends until you figure out what they see in you. i am so cool. and so are my friends.

I too cried my guts out to my sister.  It twas good. we relieved our stress through a ritual of venting and learning and family time goodness.  People love me. how nice.

Oh and Black Eyed Pea’s Imma Bee is awesome.