Relieving This off my Chest

I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.

I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.

”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority.  I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”

-Me, Feb 2009

In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement.  It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger.  How have I changed?

Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting  baptized into the LDS church over the summer.  But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.

Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident.  I actually chase after girls. Had  a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church.  I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great.  I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?

Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts.  But yet I feel down.  I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene.  My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.

Is that a concern? I don’t know.  These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same.  A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms.  Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.

But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far.  I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.

And this is my attempt to change that.

Think future.

I want:

a family of many,

in which their roots sprout from me,

myself, a great man,

remembered the happiness he shares with others,

a wife,

who is more than a friend,

watching for my needs,

a standup solution to worldly woes.

Is that too much to ask?

Next come the objectives.

How to be a provident provider?

How to be a great man?

How to find an amazing wife?

How to relieve myself of worldly woes?

These are the questions.