This week? mumble mumble mumble

Miley Cyrus “Adore You”

I’ve been put into a rage this afternoon. Losing game after game doesn’t really help. And playing low level players, losing, didn’t help.  I will blame it on my confidence. I was trying out my fightstick for the first time online in years. It was dusty. I think I lost every game today.  I tend to do that a lot- get my butt kicked online after a pretty miserable day which only calls for an even more miserable day.

Today was a little different, I asked my family to leave me alone. I was in my room for not 5 mins and I came out and put on Miley Cyrus’s Adore you on my surround sound system- it’s beautiful. “I adore you.” The lyrics are so beautiful. I’m a lover, a romantic. Somewhere out there I know my lady is waiting to tell me this, someday. Whether be it far into the future i dont know.

I really don’t know why I’ve been miserable. People at work i kno have been noticing. I’m new so they don’t say much. Things just feel off. I don’t feel confident. I feel so confused. Things don’t make sense. A lot of it comes from church. Things don’t add up. Yet whenever I hear someone tell me very spiritual i kno it’s true. Something inside me tells me to hang in there longer. Something tells me not to quit.

Today i really didn’t want to go in to church. But I had a duty to get the programs printed so i went. I also wanted to bug out early, but i had a duty to personally teach someone afterwards. and so that all happened.  It was great that i stayed tho. I was able to hear some very inspiring words. some words i needed to hear. I kno i was suppose to be at church today, i was able to take things i learned in sunday school to the lesson after church. during sacrament, i really wanted to just sit in the foyer, but i fought it and stayed. i heard a very touching musical number by a very tender soul. and I heard wise words from church authority. I kno that the church is true. I kno i am in the right place and am doing the right thing.

general conference is coming up in a month and i want to prepare for it. i want to fast next sunday. i need to get level headed. i want close friends. it’s funny to say, but i really don’t have a ‘go to’ to spill all this to. I can save that thought for another post.

My parents are too for another day.

I just want to feel better. I started playing my love music playlist in which i progressively add to. and miley kicked it off. i am feeling better already.

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My Brain, Anger.

It feels like something presses on my mind. I know what it is. It’s frustration, anger, agony, bitterness. well maybe not agony. but still.

I don’t want to share too much here, and I don’t get too angry too oft. It’s like a once in a year thing. This is probably this first time it’s been so prolonged and so consistent. So confused am I!!!

I wish someone could be there for me. Well i’m sorry, there are tons of people who are there for me. Lemme clarify. I need someone who can read me, who is willing to pry. Who wants to hear my woes and look past their own that I might relieve mine own. I mean really. People are quick to talk about themselves.

In any case I get to meet with church leadership tonite. I am looking for some advisement here. Usually they don’t tell you anything you don’t already know, but they help you understand these ‘anything’s and these anythings soak deep into you. I’m looking for one of those moments.

I know what’s bugging me now. It’s been a week. I honestly am unfamiliar with this type of rage of an attitude. I even asked my sister, ‘what do you do when you are angry, you are angry all the time.’ She says, “I yell and scream and let everyone know.” i tell her i am just the opposite.

I hate being angry. I am starting to hate other things too, like people. This trend it getting no where. How am I to turn this around?

I need a friend.

First Talk.

So today I gave a talk at church. My first. I asked my family who are non-members to come. And they agreed to go. The talk was highly anticipated for great value.  It went well……… in the end

The day started off good.  Printed the talk out. Practiced twice. Got all fancy.  Feeling good.  Got to church early due to some miscommunication. It is good. Only the fam wasn’t there.  Slight panic, mad checking of phone for txts, missed calls, etc. I was the first to talk.

And so I waited. Sang opening hymn. Opening Prayer. Branch Biz. Another Hymn……Where are they? Oh a txt. I leave the chapel to check. They were on the correct very long road.  And so we made an exchange and directions given. Back to Branch Biz. Sustainings and the such.

Another Hynm goes by. Sacrement…… I get a txt. They’re lost. I was suppose to talk next.  What to do?

i bailed.

I get on the phone. We hashed things out, trying to get them here. Lots of Miscommunication. Both Parties feeling: Frustration. Anger. Doubt.  They were giving up. Wanting to go home…… I begged them to come. I waited out in the rain the whole time for them to see me.  They never passed by. They phone dies. Will they come.  Will they make it home? I pray.

The second talk was already in it’s final moments.  i had to gather myself and the timing was perfect- in reflection.  i heard a great story in these final moments of the talk. It gave me strength to gather myself. From all the frustration. worry. disappointment. It was time to Talk.

I excuse myself right away. Explained the situation in brief. And dove right into the talk.  It went great. But where are they?  I wasn’t happy. but a friend comes by. complements the talk. And well. They came.  I was so happy.

Sure they didn’t hear the talk.  But they were able to see the community of the church.  They saw many of my friends.  Haven’t seen my mother smile like that for a long time. It was great.

This was a trial.  Even after a week of distress and moments of despair I was given a great trial. Having me relying on Him so greatly, caused me to bounce back into prayer.  I prayed a lot today.  compared to these last days.  And that makes me feel good.