I’m So Unworthy…lol

My birthday passed not too long ago. And it’s not surprising to see how many people came out to the party, or the number of cards I received, the hugs I got, the birthday wishes. I’m a good guy. People luv me I suppose. It’s just that there are times when I feel like I don’t ….. deserve it.

Sometimes the party thing feels like it’s just to see how many people I can get out haha. And i wait til the end of the day to see the fb wishes. I feel like i need to know if people care.  Do i live life just to get a high score on my birthday? lamesauce.

Problem is.. even with all this. i still feel very lonely.  it’s true.  i don’t know if i have a best bud.  And i know. there are tons of people who care about me and would like to hang out with me. I get plenty of invites and such to go out.  But i have hermit tendencies. Sometimes i would avoid socializing or even ignore invites.

So I would like to have a best bud. One who lives nearby. one who’s place i can crash when i need it most. Someone to talk to bout anything. But as I said before my actions don’t show it.  What’s happening is that I am picky about who I am friends with. Is that bad? I mean it’s ok to a point. But when it feels like there are plenty of people wanting to be my friend and i just think they are too weird or old or young or this or that. It gets a little strange. i don’t want to type it but i will, i hate me for this.

there are people who want to make friends and i feel lonely yet i don’t want to become friends because of who they are. i just don’t think that’s right.  If people can think i am awesome why can’t i think of others awesome?

this is what lead me to my testimony on sunday.  when i get myself down i’d usually think of what blessings i have. and i do have a lot.  so much luv. i want to be able to show it back. is it pride? or is it compassion? or friendship? i’ve got to choose.

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