I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.
I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.
”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority. I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”
-Me, Feb 2009
In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement. It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger. How have I changed?
Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting baptized into the LDS church over the summer. But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.
Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident. I actually chase after girls. Had a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church. I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great. I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?
Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts. But yet I feel down. I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene. My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.
Is that a concern? I don’t know. These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same. A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms. Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.
But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far. I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.
And this is my attempt to change that.
a family of many,
in which their roots sprout from me,
myself, a great man,
remembered the happiness he shares with others,
who is more than a friend,
watching for my needs,
a standup solution to worldly woes.
Is that too much to ask?
Next come the objectives.
How to be a provident provider?
How to be a great man?
How to find an amazing wife?
How to relieve myself of worldly woes?
These are the questions.