Relieving This off my Chest

I started this blog a year ago. Funny how it revolves around Vday. haha.

I take a look at the entries but my self description strikes me most.

”I am a creator. An artist. A writer. I want to make it big. I’m a Chinese minority.  I like to dance. I want to be more spiritual.”

-Me, Feb 2009

In one of the entries I say I’ll be an Artist who will pass judgement.  It looks as though I was an ambitious man a year ago. I was a year younger.  How have I changed?

Well first of all, I am more spiritual, getting  baptized into the LDS church over the summer.  But I am not really a creator, an artist , or writer- Nay not big at all.

Does the spirituality compensate for the limited change in my status quo? Let’s see. I definitely am more confident.  I actually chase after girls. Had  a gf over the summer. Sweet girl. I am more social, I’ve been told to have a reputable status among those at church.  I hold a steady job. Things at the LC goes great.  I am a great and ever improving salesman.- Blah right?

Appreciating things in the present can only go so far. It deters me from devilish thoughts.  But yet I feel down.  I have crying spells. I am withdrawing from the social scene.  My friend count has dwindled. I am not far from alone.

Is that a concern? I don’t know.  These past few nights I’ve been pondering what it means to be a friend., whether if it’s a matter of trust or who’s got who’s back. I think it’s a matter of need. “Everybody could use a friend” they say. Friends use each other. Of all the ‘friends’ I recall they can always count on me for something: For example, the bright and echoing greeting I’m known to give, my challenging racquetball skills, video game skills, intellectual gusto, happy ambience, or financial generosity. I too have been using ‘friends,’ for such the same.  A friendship is just having a relationship in which both friends use one another on tolerable terms.  Sounds kinda degrading when you see it that way huh? Well I feel degrading if its any constellation.

But back to the matter at hand. Thinking about the present can only get me so far.  I have derailed from a thought pattern encompassing future hopes and dreams to one of which spells self loathing and dissonance.

And this is my attempt to change that.

Think future.

I want:

a family of many,

in which their roots sprout from me,

myself, a great man,

remembered the happiness he shares with others,

a wife,

who is more than a friend,

watching for my needs,

a standup solution to worldly woes.

Is that too much to ask?

Next come the objectives.

How to be a provident provider?

How to be a great man?

How to find an amazing wife?

How to relieve myself of worldly woes?

These are the questions.

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2 thoughts on “Relieving This off my Chest

  1. Keep looking forward. You are on a good path and have much to smile about. This is the time in your life when the adversary would create doubt, discouragement and loneliness. Young adulthood can be full of that and it’s important to seek the spirit and keep your eye on your goals.
    Take care!

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